You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
