He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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