you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
His nipple licking is glorious
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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