were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
please come you make the beer taste better
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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