What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
