You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
