Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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