Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
