I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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