well I can't set my house on fire every night
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
