you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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