Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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