my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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