So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
In America we eat man semen.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
