It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
