Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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