She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
