I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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