my phone needs a breathalizer
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
