Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
