If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Acid is not a monday night drug
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
