So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
