I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
