just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
