So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
