Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
