Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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