I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
