I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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