I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
