how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
