yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
