overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
