morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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