I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
