god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
