Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
