I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
