Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
