I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
