Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
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Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
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I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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