She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
