don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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