Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
