I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
