I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
