there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
