I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
