I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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