I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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