Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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