I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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