Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
