are you so shy because you have an std?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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