did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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