I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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