Are we in a gay sports bar?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
