if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize