just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
